It seems a long time since I have posted on here. I have had some health issues I needed to deal with, together with those and the changes to the children’s schedules I have lost the rhythm to my days and the times I used to dedicate to writing have been swallowed up by other pursuits. However as winter closes in on us I hope to have more time to write and something useful to say.
Dealing with health problems meant having to concentrate on my needs first and foremost, and family next, everything else fell by the wayside. Many of you who read my blog will know that I started it as a way of sorting my way through a depression I had sunk into. My latest issues have not will be glad to hear has not relapse of that but a physical problem. While I am not totally free of the black dog, he has a tendency to sit snapping at my heels from time to time, I am for the most part better. I have learnt how to deal with it, how to keep it at bay and when to indulge it.
In my opinion there are times when we need to indulge in our darkest moments, to feel the fears, to experience the emotions knowing that we can pick ourselves up and carry on. It was years of ignoring those feelings, of hurt, of fear, of pain of pushing it down and battling through pretending to myself as well as everyone else that all was well, maintaining a happy outer facade and telling my self I was too strong to crumble that I could handle it all.
Well I wasn’t and I did crumble, in a way that affected all those close to me. I lost all confidence in who I was and my abilities to look after a home and children let alone do the job I was paid to do.But I have recovered and I have learnt some valuable lessons through the experience.
All my life I have put the needs and wants of others, be they family, friends or colleagues, above my own to the point where I became a doormat, a pushover. If I expressed an opinion or said no, or God forbid lost my temper, people reacted with shock and told me I was behaving out of character. I didn’t really know how to say no, or to say what I needed, I came to believe that I came last in the line and others let me believe it. People will walk all over you if give them the chance, even the nicest of them will take advantage.
Over the last few weeks though I put one of the lessons I learned to very good use. I put myself first.I made time for treatments and told my husband he was paying for them. I rested when I needed to, I left the housework (and no, no one else did bother to do it), I watched TV or listened to music when I needed to. I called my friends at time when I should have been cooking dinner or doing laundry because I needed to hear a supportive voice. I am not sure that anyone at home really noticed, they had clean clothes, they had meals cooked, food in the fridge, there may have been dust on the shelves and a few more empty bottles than usual in the bathroom, the bath may have has a layer of scum but they survived. I have had bouts of this particular ailment in the past and this time because I made recovery my priority I was fighting fit in less time than ever before.