Once again I am taking part in the 21 Day meditation challenge from Deepak & Oprah https://chopracentermeditation.com/. As usual I am a few days behind so today I was on Day 15 How Can I serve?
I failed miserably in my attempt to meditate today and gave up in the end. Anger and sadness got the better me and I could not stem the flow of tears. I realised as I listened to Deepak speak that, today, I do not want to serve anybody. That I am sick of “serving”, that all I ever do I do for others. I cook, I clean, I wash dishes, I do laundry and most of this is for others.
Over the last few days I have become increasingly dissatisfied and I know it is because I get little or no recognition for all that I do and the more I do the more is expected. Each day I clean the house, the kids come in from school and dump coats, shoes, books, bags, wherever they happen to land. If I ask for them to be removed I am told I am nagging or that they need it and frequently the things are just left where they are until I clear them away.
Every evening, I cook a meal, I try my best to ensure that there is something for everyone but still I get complaints, they don’t like it, or they’re not in the mood for whatever it is I have cooked. Or it is overcooked or undercooked or they have left it go cold and now don’t want it. Frequently most of what I have cooked ends up in the bin and then a couple of hours later they are rummaging in the kitchen and complaining that I never buy anything they want to eat.
So today, I didn’t clean up, the breakfast dishes are still sitting in the sink, I haven’t done the laundry nor have I swept or washed the floors. I decided that today the only person I was going to serve was me. I am tired, I haven’t been getting enough sleep recently, so I went back to bed for an hour once the kids had all left. I had a long hot shower and spent the rest of the day reading and listening to music. Dinner tonight is throw in the oven fish and chips, and I really don’t care if they don’t like it.
Am I being selfish? I don’t think so, I am only human, I need down time too, and while I may well be here to serve it is impossible to do so all the time without a break. And that has always been one of my major weaknesses, my inability to just take the break when I need it. I have a tendency to keep going and going and going until I make myself so ill I have no choice but to take a break. Then, guess what, it is not even an enjoyable break!
So I have done it, I am here to serve but sometimes I have to serve me first.
Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers, hope you have all had a wonderful day and plenty to give thanks for.
Today I am grateful for the opportunity to just stop, to rest and for the ability to recognise that I needed to do it.