The weeks seem to fly by and I realise that I have not posted in a while. Although compared to my friends, all of whom hold down jobs and look after the home and children, I seem to have little to do the days pass in a blur, sometimes I can’t even tell you what I have done between waving the children off to school and greeting them again in the afternoon.
The house is clean and reasonably tidy, dinner is cooked fresh every day, these things take up far more time than I actually think. I will allow, say, an hour for housework in the morning than find two hours later that I am still cleaning. Like life, I suppose once you have sorted one area you see others that need doing.
The problem is knowing when to stop. There is only so much cleaning and dusting you can do, before you are either exhausted or run out of dirt. Like wise with self-improvement, there are only so many books you can read, affirmations you can say, hours spent meditating. Unlike housework though there is no physical boundary that stops you from continuing the search. Who am I? What is my purpose? Why am I here? How can I improve my life, my relationships, my job prospects etc.? The endless questions that can get us bogged down in a never-ending search. A search that may prove fruitless.
For although it is good to seek improvement, to acknowledge the areas of your life that need changing, unless you actually change then all the reading, meditating and questioning will be of no use. I am guilty of hopping from one self-improvement website to the next in the vain hope that I will find enlightenment there, something that speaks to me directly and tells me exactly what I need to do or who I should be.
Part of that is conditioning, growing up I was very aware of where I was lacking, I sought approval all the time, tried very hard to be what others wanted me to be to gain that approval. I did it not only with my parents but in other relationships too, always hanging back waiting for others to make decisions and then following along whether or not my heart was in it. I never gave myself a chance to find out what I enjoyed doing, what made me tick, in essence who I am, I was too busy pretending to enjoy what everyone else enjoyed because I thought people would like me better.
The last two years out of work have given me a real sense of who I am, what I believe in and more importantly the things I enjoy doing. Some of those things, my yoga for instance, I am not prepared to give up for anyone or anything, not even for paid employment, any job I get will have to fit around my yoga schedule. My husband has real difficulty in understanding this, I have never dug my heels in before in such a way. I have always gone along with the things he wanted, holidays or activities, even when I have not wanted to, he has always overridden my views and choices and we did what he wanted to.
Now I have a choice, I am the one who is unemployed, the one looking for a job. He thinks I should just take the first job that I am offered, but I have been there before which is how I got into the mess I was in. This time the job has to be right, it has to fit in with my needs. Others may consider me selfish in this but for me it is just self-preservation, having found who I am and what I want and I am not prepared to lose it again in frantic busyness for the sake of a few extra pounds in the bank. I am worth more than that.
Are you? Is it time you took time out, slowed down, looked at what is not working in your life?